I mentioned in a previous post that I had to make an unexpected trip to PA. I felt like the reason deserved its own post. I am not as good with the written word as my daughter, so I’ll start with what she said to tell you what happened that prompted my visit. Below is what she posted on Facebook on

“Tomorrow I would have been 14 weeks, and this post would have been much different.
But instead of a pregnancy announcement, I’m writing about miscarriage. I wasn’t sure if I would want to, but I was reminded recently that this is something that affects roughly 30% of pregnant women – that’s a lot – but almost never gets talked about, except in hushed support groups. I think that’s bullshit. It just makes us feel like we’re not allowed to openly talk about it, for fear of making other people uncomfortable with our intangible grief.

I found out my baby had died at my first prenatal appointment. I was eleven weeks, but the ultrasound revealed that my baby had died a couple weeks prior. The placenta, fetus, and sac all measured different sizes, so the doctor didn’t know exactly when it had passed. “Something went wrong with the cell division; it’s a chromosomal abnormality,” was the only explanation I got. It’s just something that happens. It’s random. There’s no way to prevent it. 70-80% of all first trimester miscarriages happen for this reason. You’re not alone. Blah blah blah.

Nothing the OB said made any difference to me. My baby was dead. That was the only fact I could process. That, and my body hadn’t even recognized the baby was no longer growing, that it didn’t have a heartbeat anymore. My body didn’t know, potentially for weeks. They call this a “missed miscarriage.”

I was given three options. I could wait it out. I could take a pill to induce the miscarriage. Or I could get a D&C. The first two sounded unbearable, so I choose the latter. They put me to sleep for it. When I woke up, I was welcomed by a forced period, the first day of a new cycle. They warned me about cramping and excessive bleeding. What they didn’t warn me about was how traumatic the empty feeling would be, or how incomplete and unfinished the deed would feel when I left to go home, and I had nothing to bury.

So we decided to plant trees, or donate to have trees planted, in Allegheny National Forest.
I’m wearing a little ring with peridots – for August – when our baby would have been born.

I’ve had support these past two weeks. I’ve talked about this privately. But I decided to say something here (this was on Facebook), too, to normalize these conversations. Get rid of the loneliness. I still miss my baby. I’m not over it. But maybe with these small gestures, peace will come.”

To say that I am so proud of how my little girl can express herself would be a huge understatement.

I remember when she first called Bill and me to tell us she was pregnant the first time, with our granddaughter, Freya Ann, who turned one year old on March 6 of this year. Among other things, we talked about why its customary to wait to tell everyone, except immediate family, until after the first trimester had passed. She found it odd that it’s because in case there is a miscarriage, you don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to. Looking back, that really is a lame reason. I mean not telling people just makes it that much more difficult when you are grieving the loss of your baby. You will either suffer with just your partner and immediate family, or you will end up telling people anyway, so they will understand your sadness.

I also remember the call about this baby, the baby that was lost. She was so excited. I did some quick math and realized this new baby and Freya would be 16-17 months apart. That same quick math told me that her due date would be sometime early August 2020 and we were already planning to be in her area! YAY! A new baby! Bill and I were both so in love with Freya – but there was plenty more for this baby!

When we found out that Baby S had died, I was overwhelmed with grief and sadness. It hit me hard. Bill was with me and we steadied one another. After regaining composure, I booked a flight – my girls needed me and I needed them.

I arrived into PIT airport and picked up my reserved rental car. I snuck into the house when I got there, being careful not to wake anyone (it was after midnight!) Michelle and Derek would be leaving for her D&C appointment in just a few short hours. Freya would be getting up not too long after that and I needed to rest.

I spent a week with them, helping with Freya and just being there for support. My son came out by train to spend a couple of days. We didn’t need a lot of talking, just being near one another was a comfort.

I am excited to be able to end this post on a happier note and tell you that after the six weeks recovery her doctor told her to observe, she is pregnant again! This time she has decided not to wait to tell her happy news. She has written a blog post about it, including how the current situation with the pandemic is affecting women who are pregnant. You can check it out here.

While it is exciting there is a new baby coming sometime in November, I am sad for the baby I won’t get to meet.

Previous Post: Making Decisions in a World with COVID19

Next Up: Freya Turns One!

Bill and I would like to thank all our loyal readers! We appreciate each one of you! If you are a new reader, we’d like to invite you to sign up to receive an email with each new post. You can find the “follow blog via email” button to the side and below. Thanks so much!

We also invite you to check out our Stuff You Need Page and use our Amazon Affiliate link. You can also click “search here”. You can still use your Amazon Prime. You can choose to purchase one of our pre-picked items and/or anything else you need from Amazon. Thanks so much!

Did you know we have Facebook and Instagram pages? Its fun to follow us there!

Please let us know you are out there by commenting below! We LOVE hearing from our readers!